Life is Changing

There's been so many things for me talk about lately that I just haven't talked at all. To be perfectly honest, I haven't had time because of the changes. Twitter has been about it lately and that has been sporadic. I haven't been writing but I haven't been reading either. It's chaotic, exhausting, busy, yet good.

Fiance is sober. 60 days sober today.

Life is changing. But life is good and getting better.

Research Coordinators Training

I'm in Research Coordinators Training right now. Yes, right now. You can see how much I'm paying attention. I started the training with sarcastic tweets. However, I had to slow those down because at the rate I was going the battery on my BB was going to be dead by lunch time. Then lunch rolled around. And I'm no longer pretending to pay attention. I turned my laptop on and that's what I'm using. I know how to do research and I know how to coordinate. I feel like I'm in a remedial class. Did you know specific aims are specific? And a protocol needs to be written so anyone can follow it? Yesiree!! Right now a woman is going through the computer system for submitting stuff for IRB approval. All the buttons you push, the steps you go through on the computer. Let me be clear, every single step in the IRB approval, renewal, modification process.  Even if I used this software system - which I don't - I wouldn't remember any of this. I'd have to learn it as I do it. Right now my distraction techniques are keeping me awake - they should be happy I'm only paying 5% attention. Which was enough to enable me to ask one question this afternoon, more than most people here. I promise to update you on this exciting training later today or tomorrow - I have one more day of this.

Missing Lab

Yep. You read that right. Missing lab. There. I said it again. But not for the reasons you probably think at first. Everyone who knows me knows I don't want to work in a lab anymore. Love science, love doing science, just tired of the laboratory bench work. Just not for me  right now.

But I now know, after being away from the lab for almost 2 year, that I was spoiled. Lab supplies are miraculous things. Kimwipes - gentle for cleaning lenses and mirrors, latex gloves - first aid and cleaning, cotton glove liners - great at keeping hands warm when working (just cut off the finger tips), parafilm - so many uses, and clean water - like distilled. Lately I have found myself wanting these things and irritated that I have to pay ridiculous prices at regular stores for it.

Two items I have needed in particular have been bothering me. I bitch and complain every time I have to take money out my purse to BUY distilled water. It's distilled water for goodness sakes and they're charging me almost 85 cents a gallon. OK, that doesn't sound like much but still, it's water!! And given that my doctor has prescribed those nasal washes twice a day for my VCD I'm using a lot of it. The other thing is latex gloves. I really needed them the other day and it was late so the only place open was Walmart. I couldn't find them so I asked somebody. I walked up to the first employee I saw, who just happened to be someone who I asked for help from about two weeks ago. I cringed inside, this wasn't going to be pretty.

Image Goddess: "Can you tell me where to find latex gloves?"

Employee: "Oh, I just started here. They stuck me in this section. I don't really know where things are."

IG: "Uh...." [Staring at employee, thinking that this was the exact same thing she told me two weeks ago, at the other side of the store in a different section.]

E: "You mean rubber gloves?"

IG: "Nooo, latex gloves. They come in a box. [me making a box shape with my hands] They're small. Not large rubber cleaning gloves."

E: "I'm sorry, I really don't know. They just stuck me here. They might be around here somewhere. Why don't you go ask pharmacy. It's right over there."

IG: [pausing, staring] "OK, thank you."

I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to walk up and down every single aisle until I found it. She was directing me to pharmacy which I already knew was closed. I couldn't handle the conversation that was a waste of my time that late at night. After 10 minutes of unsuccessful searching I went to another part of the store to find another employee who at least knew what latex gloves were and she had a general idea where they were so she helped me find them. At this point I'm tired, cranky, and irritated. Once I find the latex gloves my attitude gets worse and I miss lab even more. The cost is ridiculous for one box. One box! And what is this one size fits all crap for latex gloves. That is the most insane thing I've ever heard of. Fiance can't get these on his hands. I have short stubby fingers and they just fit me. One size fits all. Hmpf.

I guess the moral of this post is I learned my lesson. I'm going to have to order my lab supplies (for home) from somewhere off the Internet. Hopefully I will find a decent price with not-to-bad shipping. Does anybody have any websites they like to shop on for supplies like kimwipes, parafilm, gloves and stuff? For now, I'm just going to have to learn to deal with buying distilled water - but I don't have to like it. And I still might complain now and then, a little.

Virtual Faculty

I applied for a part-time faculty position today that's "virtual."  I've contemplated doing this for a very long time. I've always had my reservations about online universities - are they legit, will it look bad on my CV, is it really benefiting the students taking the online classes? So many questions. I used to think how could something be taught well if it's only taught online and only people who can't get real faculty positions take online faculty jobs. My eyes are opening though and I believe the world of virtual education might be changing. I think in the past most online degrees were hacks. They almost had to be because the technology just wasn't there to make the educational experience enriching enough for students or enable the kind of interaction between students and professor that there is today.  There are countless distance learning programs from legitimate, accredited universities and other learning institutions. I have friends that teach for online universities, or universities that are mostly online, and I see that now. And I'm excited about the prospects. I love my current job but it doesn't involve a lot of teaching which I also love. There's also the fact that Fiance and I are really in need of some extra cash right now. This would be perfect. I'm already on the computer a lot and it's something that I enjoy doing.

So I applied. I'm excited. I hope to get a call. Or email. Or however they do it. Wish me luck.

Time for my performance review

I don't like performance reviews. Not at all. Who needs to be reviewed? Not me. Nope. No sirree bob. Whoever bob is.  Human resources came up with the these forms that are super general to fit every employee at the university, with categories such as work habits, initiative, self-improvement, leadership, planning and organizing, execution (wait - I must have missed this one, who do I get to execute? Can I choose?), decision making, quality of work, interpersonal communication, and blah, blah, blah - to which we must elaborate with examples.  Then there are the open-ended questions, or the self-appraisal part of the evaluation.

The reason I hate doing this isn't the same as most people, which is that it's a waste of time and who cares.  Well, okay, I do think that a bit, but I'll get to that.  The main reason is I'm normally my harshest critic. I have a strong work ethic and believe things should be done right.  I was hired to do something, I'm going to do it and I'm going to do it well.  And, by the way, I expect the same of everyone else, which is apparently a huge flaw of mine.  Anyway, I think I'm getting off topic.  I hate doing these because even though I'm my hardest critic, if I'm thoughtful and answer these questions honestly, well, I look incredibly awesome. And that just makes me uncomfortable.  Is that just stupid?  Why on earth should I feel uncomfortable for doing my job well?  I'm "tooting my own horn" but I feel like this is what I was hired to do so it's no big deal. So why should I have to fill out a review form showing that I "consistently perform beyond standards?"

My boss loves me, I know it. I also know she's extremely happy with my work.  But now we come to the who cares part. I also know the way the grant is and the way the University is right now. Though she loves me and what I do and my review says I'm fantastic, besides the regular cost-of-living the likelihood I can get a raise right now is very low.  So I then it starts to creep in my mind, why do I work so hard to perform so well when financially it's not going to make a difference?  What's the point?  Why don't I just "meet standards?"  But that road of thought can lead no where good.  I don't think I have it in me to do that anyway.  It's just not my personality. I remind myself that I'm not just working for financial reasons but that someday, an opportunity will open for me even though it may not be here now.  Right now, I just have to focus on doing what I'm doing right now good.

So - I hate performance reviews because they make me look awesome. But I don't like tooting my own horn when there is no reason too, and right now, there really isn't a reason too.

Did I mention I hate performance reviews?

Redesigning

Expect the look of my blog to change now and then. I haven't decided how I want it to look, but I'm bored with its old appearance. It's actually been distracting me from writing because when I come here to write I think "I need to redesign this" and spend all my time fiddling with it and never get to writing. Now, I will fiddle a little bit here and there, and start to get back in the habit of writing. Several times Geeka has said "You need to blog this" so blog I will!!

Balance

I'm trying to find balance. I haven't been very good at that lately so I severely restricted non-work related computer use while I worked on other things. I think I'm ready to blog for myself again. My last few posts, also the first few posts of this blog, were rather intense and I had to step back and deal with things. "Get a grip." It wasn't really the way I wanted to start this blog. Change has come to my personal life, and for the better. I made a decisive decision and Fiance quit drinking. It hasn't been long, or easy. But he's trying, and that's all I ask. He's clear for the first time in years and he's saying things I've wanted to hear him say for years. It took a considerable amount of strength to do what he did and say the things he's been saying. I love him so much, I'm just so glad that he didn't give up on himself. And that it didn't happen too late.