Change

Well, as you can tell I haven't posted pictures. I'll catch up on Monday.  I've been dealing with other things.

My chest hurts, my stomach muscles hurt, I tried to eat but I felt nauseous.  I look in the mirror and my eyes are bloodshot with bruises under them.  It's all from crying so hard, and crying almost all night.  I slept on the sofa last night.  I couldn't bare to be in the same room with him.  It hurt too much.   My cats haven't left my side side for the past 24 hrs.

It took only 3 days for him to break his promise.  I can't handle these ups and downs anymore.  I feel lost and broken.  The decision I made kills me and tears me up inside.  But I told him how it is and why it is.  And my timeline for change.  I made myself give a deadline this time.  More for me than him.  I've been with him for over 13 years.  Almost half of my life.  I feel like I'm losing my life right now but the way it is now, it's not healthy for either of us.  Yes, the good times are getting more frequent than the bad - but the bad times are really bad.

I'm just so torn up inside I don't have words.  I'm not going to think about the deadline.  Hopefully he'll get it together and I won't have to let him go.  I know he loves me which makes this so much harder.  We both have things to work on but we can't work on anything until he gets himself under control.  Maybe it will be okay.  Maybe my world won't be ripped away from me.  I'm not going to think about the deadline - I can't handle it.  What happens the next few months is up to him and I can't control it so I'm choosing not to think about it.  I'll live my life everyday as if the deadline doesn't exist and we'll see what happens.

I'm just so tired. And so incredibly sad.  Love, no matter how strong, isn't always enough.