I didn't go to work today. I just didn't feel like dealing with people. Well, I guess that's not exactly true. I went in for 30 minutes to grab something to work on at home. Fiance took today off and drove me so I didn't have to stand in zero windchill weather. The way it is at work, if I show up for a least a few minutes, showing an effort, then I don't have to take a sick day. I'll be honest though, I did intend to do work but I couldn't focus. I ended up working on my blog pages and facebook. I'm so unproductive but I really need to be working. I have a year-end report due at the end of the week, half a book chapter due by Wednesday (well, actually today but moved it) for the other contributor to review before it has to be submitted Friday, another partial book chapter due Jan 15th, and a seminar series to organize which starts in 2 weeks. I'm so unmotivated right now. I'm also wasting time looking for a reliable used cheap vehicle and apartments. I can't afford a car but I have no choice if I'm moving. I haven't really figured that part out yet. Too much to think about.
I need a vacation from my vacation. Between two flat tires and having to replace all four around Christmas, Fiance's stepdad passing away right before Christmas, the 4WD and ABS breaking on the way home from the funeral, dad getting pneumonia, mom getting a bad cold, and fiance problems I'm exhausted.
For two days at least there was nothing that went wrong. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went extremely well.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Change
Well, as you can tell I haven't posted pictures. I'll catch up on Monday. I've been dealing with other things.
My chest hurts, my stomach muscles hurt, I tried to eat but I felt nauseous. I look in the mirror and my eyes are bloodshot with bruises under them. It's all from crying so hard, and crying almost all night. I slept on the sofa last night. I couldn't bare to be in the same room with him. It hurt too much. My cats haven't left my side side for the past 24 hrs.
It took only 3 days for him to break his promise. I can't handle these ups and downs anymore. I feel lost and broken. The decision I made kills me and tears me up inside. But I told him how it is and why it is. And my timeline for change. I made myself give a deadline this time. More for me than him. I've been with him for over 13 years. Almost half of my life. I feel like I'm losing my life right now but the way it is now, it's not healthy for either of us. Yes, the good times are getting more frequent than the bad - but the bad times are really bad.
I'm just so torn up inside I don't have words. I'm not going to think about the deadline. Hopefully he'll get it together and I won't have to let him go. I know he loves me which makes this so much harder. We both have things to work on but we can't work on anything until he gets himself under control. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe my world won't be ripped away from me. I'm not going to think about the deadline - I can't handle it. What happens the next few months is up to him and I can't control it so I'm choosing not to think about it. I'll live my life everyday as if the deadline doesn't exist and we'll see what happens.
I'm just so tired. And so incredibly sad. Love, no matter how strong, isn't always enough.
My chest hurts, my stomach muscles hurt, I tried to eat but I felt nauseous. I look in the mirror and my eyes are bloodshot with bruises under them. It's all from crying so hard, and crying almost all night. I slept on the sofa last night. I couldn't bare to be in the same room with him. It hurt too much. My cats haven't left my side side for the past 24 hrs.
It took only 3 days for him to break his promise. I can't handle these ups and downs anymore. I feel lost and broken. The decision I made kills me and tears me up inside. But I told him how it is and why it is. And my timeline for change. I made myself give a deadline this time. More for me than him. I've been with him for over 13 years. Almost half of my life. I feel like I'm losing my life right now but the way it is now, it's not healthy for either of us. Yes, the good times are getting more frequent than the bad - but the bad times are really bad.
I'm just so torn up inside I don't have words. I'm not going to think about the deadline. Hopefully he'll get it together and I won't have to let him go. I know he loves me which makes this so much harder. We both have things to work on but we can't work on anything until he gets himself under control. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe my world won't be ripped away from me. I'm not going to think about the deadline - I can't handle it. What happens the next few months is up to him and I can't control it so I'm choosing not to think about it. I'll live my life everyday as if the deadline doesn't exist and we'll see what happens.
I'm just so tired. And so incredibly sad. Love, no matter how strong, isn't always enough.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Project 365 (1)
I read a few tweets today about a Project 365. I'd never heard of it before so I looked it up. Apparently, the idea is to post one picture everyday so at the end of the year you will have a record of pieces of your life in pictures. I like the idea, mainly because I love photography. It's a serious pastime of mine. I also like the modification Preppy Chemist decided to use. Post a picture everyday, but it doesn't necessarily have to be from that day. Mainly, this takes pressure off of me if I get busy. I don't want to post a random picture just because I feel I have too.
So here is my first picture. I know the date says January 2nd, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so technically for me it's still January 1st. It's not a beautiful picture, or even a good picture, but one I took with my BB on an experience today. D.H. my cat, stomped on my laptop to get my attention. In the process, he hit a magical combination of buttons that flipped the orientation of my laptop upside down. Only it wasn't just the screen that was reversed. Everything was, including typing and the way the mouse moved. I had to use another computer to google how to fix it because restarting didn't work. So this is what I was looking at this morning, wondering how on earth D.H. managed to do something I didn't even think was possible. Notice the Start bar is at the top of the screen, upside down.
So here is my first picture. I know the date says January 2nd, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so technically for me it's still January 1st. It's not a beautiful picture, or even a good picture, but one I took with my BB on an experience today. D.H. my cat, stomped on my laptop to get my attention. In the process, he hit a magical combination of buttons that flipped the orientation of my laptop upside down. Only it wasn't just the screen that was reversed. Everything was, including typing and the way the mouse moved. I had to use another computer to google how to fix it because restarting didn't work. So this is what I was looking at this morning, wondering how on earth D.H. managed to do something I didn't even think was possible. Notice the Start bar is at the top of the screen, upside down.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Common Sense of a Woman Scientist
There is a short back story behind the title of this blog. As I've mentioned before, I work in academia. I'm not a post-doc, faculty, or student anymore. I don't want to call it administrative, but it's an odd, blended position given my background. A bit of research, teaching, and administration combined. I'm happy where I'm at but unclear about my future, which I'm okay with.
One thing you need to know about me is that I've taken a non-traditional track. I worked years in a research laboratory setting and decided to step outside of the lab and move onto something else, but stay in academia. This was a foreign concept to all the faculty in my old department. They didn't know what to do with me. As a result, I've been blazing my own path.
The people where I work now aren't sure how to handle me. I can't be categorized which I like. I have an odd position. I socialize with the faculty and the administrative personnel. As a result, I see things from everyone's perspective, and I often understand it. I get along with everyone. I'm the only administrator with PhD from a research laboratory setting. I'm defining my own role.
It does have it's drawbacks however. I've learned that a lot of people (i.e. researchers and other academics) take themselves and their research too seriously. Many of you know what I mean. I may get along with them, but I have a different attitude than most of them. I also have a completely different background than the administrators. As a result, I don't always feel like I fit in anywhere. I like that I'm unique in my position, but it also sometimes leaves me feeling out-of-place. No one there can really relate to my situation.
Luckily, there is one person there who I get along with very, very well. She has my attitude, even if she doesn't have my life experiences. I've been able to talk to her, and she understands my motivation. I'm looking for happiness in what I do and my life, not specific career goals.
And finally I get to the title of my blog (I guess this wasn't a short story after all). She was in a meeting with some investigators and came into my office almost bursting. What she had to tell me doesn't really matter, it's what she started her conversation with "You are the weird exception. Most educated, smart academics have no common sense." She summed up my feelings quite nicely, so I chose to use this perspective as my title.
Again - enjoy.
Image Goddess
One thing you need to know about me is that I've taken a non-traditional track. I worked years in a research laboratory setting and decided to step outside of the lab and move onto something else, but stay in academia. This was a foreign concept to all the faculty in my old department. They didn't know what to do with me. As a result, I've been blazing my own path.
The people where I work now aren't sure how to handle me. I can't be categorized which I like. I have an odd position. I socialize with the faculty and the administrative personnel. As a result, I see things from everyone's perspective, and I often understand it. I get along with everyone. I'm the only administrator with PhD from a research laboratory setting. I'm defining my own role.
It does have it's drawbacks however. I've learned that a lot of people (i.e. researchers and other academics) take themselves and their research too seriously. Many of you know what I mean. I may get along with them, but I have a different attitude than most of them. I also have a completely different background than the administrators. As a result, I don't always feel like I fit in anywhere. I like that I'm unique in my position, but it also sometimes leaves me feeling out-of-place. No one there can really relate to my situation.
Luckily, there is one person there who I get along with very, very well. She has my attitude, even if she doesn't have my life experiences. I've been able to talk to her, and she understands my motivation. I'm looking for happiness in what I do and my life, not specific career goals.
And finally I get to the title of my blog (I guess this wasn't a short story after all). She was in a meeting with some investigators and came into my office almost bursting. What she had to tell me doesn't really matter, it's what she started her conversation with "You are the weird exception. Most educated, smart academics have no common sense." She summed up my feelings quite nicely, so I chose to use this perspective as my title.
Again - enjoy.
Image Goddess
Welcome
Welcome to my blog. I was going to try and write a nice, articulate description of what this blog will be, when I realized I really can't. Because I don't know. Basically, I'm a woman in academia, recently graduated with my PhD. I've entered a new phase in my life, which I feel justifies a new blog. I don't feel the need to repeat myself, so you can find why I'm doing this in my old blog post "Time for a Change". And you can get a good understanding of where I'm coming from, the new stage of my life, from my old blog post "I Am Free".
This is a place for me to talk not only about my experiences in academia but in life, now that I'm no longer a student. I've been in school my entire life, now I'm experiencing the world from a different perspective.
If you stick around, I hope you enjoy my journey.
Thanks - Image Goddess
This is a place for me to talk not only about my experiences in academia but in life, now that I'm no longer a student. I've been in school my entire life, now I'm experiencing the world from a different perspective.
If you stick around, I hope you enjoy my journey.
Thanks - Image Goddess
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